Never lie about sharks. Or sharknados.

Me: Does the shark come back?!

Alex: No.

(30 seconds later….)

Me: YES IT DID.

Alex: I forgot.

Me: Well we’re fighting now.

Alex: You don’t have to tell the Internet about it.

Me: YES I DO.
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And this is why we’re married.

This is our cat Scout. He's a beast.

This is our cat Scout. He’s a beast.

FYI: Scout is the cat.

Me: Scout’s really happy you’re back because now he’ll get fed on time.

Alex: That’s the same reason you’re happy I’m back.

Me: Yeah…but… I love you more.

Alex: Debatable.

And this is why I don’t go to the doctor.

no_wineFYI: Karen is my little sister, and she is a nurse.

Me: I went to the doctor today, so I get McDonald’s.

Karen: Of course you do, pumpkin.

Me: Thank you for your support.

Karen: What did the doctor give you?

Me: Cipro.

Karen: No wine, then.

Me: Ridiculous. I read the entire information packet and it didn’t say anything about drinking wine!

Karen: Google antibiotics and alcohol.

Me: Google didn’t go to med school!

Vodka pancakes, anyone?

Me: Babe? We should have pancakes.

Alex: What? I didn’t hear you. Did you say we should have drinks?

Me: I said we should have pancakes.

Alex: Oh…I thought you said we should have drinks, and I was gonna jump all over that shit.

Me: Babe? We should have drinks.

Don’t touch the bubbles.

Me: Hey babe, there’s enough orange juice left for you to make a screwdriver.

Alex: Is that your way of saying hands off the champagne?

Me: Yep.

Alex: I’m on to your games.

And this is how you keep our business.

Alex: I just need to deposit a check… my ATM card expired.

Bank guy: Aw, man, for reals?

(whispering)

Alex: That is the coolest bank teller ever.

Me: I think I love him.

Leave the house on a Monday? What?

hot pink shorts

Alex: While I do this, you’ll have time to… um, uh… did you want to change?

Me: That was smooth.

Alex: Well I didn’t know if you wanted to wear that or not.

Me: Maybe I do!

Alex: That’s clearly an “I’m in for the night” outfit.

Me: Jerk.

Alex: Babe, I know you.

Me: Yeah.