I am a parking champion.

Posted on April 22, 2013 | Leave a comment

Alex: What did you do to this car, woman?!

Me: I set you up for excellence.

Alex: You set me up to run into a Mercedes!

Me: You’re welcome.

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I read romance novels, so I know all about Scottish men.

Posted on April 13, 2013 | Leave a comment

JoAnna: In Ireland, I met the cutest Scottish guy. I have a picture. [shows picture]

Me: Oh, yes. What was his name? I hope it was like…. Ian.

JoAnna: Euan!

Me: YES!!!!!!!!!

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And this is how you plan a honeymoon.

Posted on April 7, 2013 | Leave a comment

Me: What else do you want to do in Hawaii?

Alex: I really just want to relax, but by day 4, we’ll need something to do.

Me: Yeah. I mean, you can only have so much sex and drink so much wine.

Alex: That sounds like a challenge.

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And this is why we’ll need a pre-nup.

Posted on March 4, 2013 | 1 Comment
You're welcome.

You’re welcome.

Me: Babe, I’d like to make you a very important promise.

Alex: All right, I think I’m ready for it.

Me: If I ever go out in public in a red velour track suit, you can divorce me.

Alex: I’d like that in writing.

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Notes on the Counter – Volume 1

Posted on March 2, 2013 | 2 Comments

Alex and I don’t see each other in the mornings, so I generally make sure he is aware of my presence via a quickly scrawled note left on the counter. I’m sure my notes make him feel loved.

Feb 2013 1

For the record, it turned out to have the consistency of dog food. We went out for pizza.

Joe Biden

Last night I dreamed that we defended our house from a T-Rex with a shotgun. Thanks, Joe Biden.

Feb 2013 3

Sometimes I even draw pictures. I’m very talented that way.

Feb 2013 4

This note was intended to remind myself to turn on the crock pot in the morning. Alex added ‘crock’ and ‘roast’ to the note because he didn’t like having a note that said POT on it in the house. He felt it could be misinterpreted to mean we are tokers, but I don’t know who he thought was going to walk into our house at 6 a.m. and read the damn thing. Though I did just post it on my blog, so maybe he had a point.

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And this is the difference between men and women.

Posted on February 2, 2013 | Leave a comment

Me: Ugh. I’m getting married soon… it’s time to start working out.

My female friends: No! You look great! You don’t need to lose an ounce!

Several hours later…

Me: Ugh. I’m getting married soon… it’s time to start working out.

Alex: I’ll go to the gym with you on Mondays and Wednesdays.

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And this is why you shouldn’t sleep into the double digits while I’m awake.

Posted on January 20, 2013 | 2 Comments

Dear Alex,

While you were in bed, I booked first class tickets to Hawaii for our honeymoon. This is what happens when you sleep in and I have a Discover card. You owe me a bunch of money now.

Love,

Your soon-to-be wife

P.S. You’re welcome.

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