This is what happens when you leave the house.

Dear Alex,

You’re late coming home from work. As expected, the following things have happened:

1. I ate McDonald’s.

2. I ate the rest of the Dove chocolates. There were more than 2 and fewer than 50 in the bag.

3. I drank the rest of the champagne… out of my Harry Potter mug. And I enjoyed it.

4. I watched Harry Potter. Obviously.

5. I wrecked the dining room with paperwork and school books and stuff and I took a picture so everyone can see just how messy it is because I’m proud of my mess, you OCD punk. (Love you.)

6. I tried to trick the cat into sleeping on a blanket in your favorite chair by putting a heating pad beneath between the blanket’s folds, but he didn’t fall for it and the jerk has been curled up on my side of the bed like he owns the place since 8 a.m. I left the heating pad on that chair for four hours before I remembered it was there. So basically, I nearly burned down the house, but the good news is that I saved the house from burning down.

7. I worked on lesson plans all day, but I couldn’t sit down cause all my books and papers were taking up all the chairs and now I can’t feel my feet cause they’re cold so I stole more of your socks from your drawer and you’ll probably never see them again.

8. I had the TV turned onto a marathon of NCIS like, all day.

9. I came pretty close to taking out the trash, but I just left the Hefty bag at the top of the stairs again cause I know you can’t stand that it’s there and your need for it to be gone is stronger than your will to hold out till I deal with it.

10. UPS delivered the three bottles of Mace I ordered. Maybe I’ve been playing with those, and maybe I haven’t. Guess you’ll find out when you get home–just don’t surprise me with your presence and everything should be fine.

Love,

Emily

P.S. You’re about to marry this.

P.P.S. You’re welcome.